Poop and Piss and Pooches

Welcome to the New Downtown Los Angeles!

Have you heard the good news?

Some darted into discount clothing and electronics stores. Others waited to catch a bus.

Then there was the crowd that five years ago wasn’t here. A group of stylish 20-somethings were having a bite at Umamicatessen. Just up the street, the Los Angeles Brewing Company had a batch of office workers gathered at the bar for happy hour. Some well-dressed diners were beginning to trickle in to Figaro, a massive new French restaurant near Sixth Street.

Are you one of the average working class people that works, lives, or visits Downtown Los Angeles on a regular basis? Well you can fuck off now cuz nobody wants you here. The heart of this grand metropolis is getting a spit shine, picking up the trash, kicking out the poor, and hosing down the piss to make room for the new “creative class” that will miraculously revitalize our city (whatever that means) with their coffee consumption, penchant for expensive food, and fascination for lil’ doggies. We have decided to swap out the human piss and shit that comes from institutional neglect for the much more agreeable excrement of trophy dogs. It will be lovely!

Maybe we can build the world’s largest communal toilet, a much needed service in downtown, next to the proposed football stadium just to balance things out?

All that is old will be new again. Or will be soon, whether you want it or not. The “creative class” has no idea how mediocre they actually are.

Endangered signage.

And here come the parklets! How can someone hate on this latest fascination of urban planners? Oh, we find a way. I love the idea of parklets, in theory, but in practice they tend to be some cynical method of giving extra seating to eateries while pretending they are part of our public space. A quick glance at the way Frisco implements their parklets and you can tell they seem perfectly tailored to the leisure class, the people less in need of amenities. All these years that downtown has had the bulk of SRO’s and now they figure people want “a space for the community to enjoy”? Yet nowhere near where most downtown residents reside. Seems like a modern gentrification pattern.

Or maybe they just want to cater to certain people? Nah, that can’t be, our civic planners love everyone equally. On this day the abysmal grown-up swings were accordingly being used by no one. Nor was there anyone at the cactus bar. Because seriously, why would you sit here? The only reason would be to enjoy your coffee from the coffee shop located conveniently nearby.

HAHA! Exercise bikes? What a diss. Like the moneyed loft dwellers with monthly gym payments want to do their workout on Spring street inhaling the fine aromas of Urinetown.

City Hall and all the pro business toads cater to some fantasy of the young leisure class carrying the weight of our social needs. Here we see yet another failed fancy eatery in el centro, this one in Grand Central Market. (They opened up in the spot where another fancy eatery failed.) Downtown booster media loves to publish endless articles of new places opening up but when they eventually close down there is barely a mention. It’s a dirty little secret. Remember MF Gourmet? I do. Yet, Grand Central Market wants to capitalize on that same business model of catering to some class of people that would surely eat there if they only had fanciful foodie options with a short term lifespan. It’s going to be fun to watch!

Lastly, another example of erasure of history. Some time ago some I noticed some dudes setting up to paint over the Main St. side of  The Smell. Known for its supposedly iconic No Age sign, as seen above.

I guess it got painted over, cuz now they are working on a new one. Maybe this is deliberate but it seems kinda dumb.

And how it looks today. Old is new again. Indeed.

Downtown is stupid.