EL CHAVO! considers the CrispyCone!

Recently I made some disparaging remarks about a new food item-concept in a post about the taco truck ban, lamenting that the crispycone was all we had to look forward to in a world without our Mexican mobile eats. Mind you, that may still be true but then I thought, have I become such an old man that I’m knocking things before I try them? Maybe the lack of street food is better for our collective health. Maybe modern technology has come to a point where they can invent quality sustenance for the masses, in a tasty portable design. And why not have the marketplace dictate what we eat, let the "natural" laws of supply and demand sort out what we really need: have they ever been wrong before? So in the effort to “expand my horizons” I said, por que no, let’s have a go at the Crispycone!  Read on for the delicious conclusion!

Let me refresh your memory, I'm referring to the Crispycone and their brand new flagship outlet that just opened at the Santa Anita Maul. It's a food item that will  sweep the nation, why they've even been on Good Mourning America!  And on the cover of magazines! My stars! And if you read their website, they're all about being "environmentally smart" cuz cones need no utensils - Fucking Awesome!

Okay, what shall we have? I'm a crispy-virgin but choices were limited by my boring lack of eating meat, darn! The guy at the counter said he really liked the "Porcone", which is a carnitas cone. Get it, Pork-cone? They sure are clever. They do have many options...

...there's scoops and scoops of them! Oh look, they have Huevos Rancheros under the breakfast menu, which they serve all day, Orale! I'm a fan of the HR's, might as well try the Crispycone version, maybe the portability will free my eating habits from the chain of the plate. And since they plan to eventually make the cones available at the grocery store, I'd best get acquainted with my new favorite frozen food. One Huevos Rancheros cone please!
"Would you like to make it a Conebo?"
Err, no.
The Guacamole cone would have been the first choice but it was nowhere to be seen, the picture has also mysteriously fallen off the website, probably due to some careless IT worker.

I would have taken pictures of the preparation process if it weren't rude, but it is, so I didn't. So here goes my description:
They take a cone from the stack, not unlike an ice cream shop, the server checks it for holes, gets a disposable green knife and smears cold beans on the inside part of the cone. WTF, I thought cones saved on utensils? I'm not going to mention that it looks kinda gross when someone is spreading your beans around a cone, no, i'm not going to mention it. Next they squirt out just the perfect amount of "liquid egg" from some ketchup-type plastic bottles (the white ones in the pic) into a measuring cup, pour that into the cone, scoop a dollop of some salsa looking tomatoey thing into it, stir it around with another disposible green utensil, this time a spoon, and pop it into the oven. They beep, beep the microwave for 3 minutes and it's off and cooking! After the machine bleeps that it's perfectly done, the cone gets a little dousing of cheese flakes, which melt ever so gently on the nuked egg liquid.

Considering I was only 1 of 2 people ordering, it took surprisingly long to get my microwaved cone of goodness, fast food it ain't. But portable it was, mine came in a nice cozy cardboard box holder, inside a paper bag, with a heat protecting band across the cone. Hmm, sure seems like alot of packaging for an item marketing it's "environmental" aspects. And the box holder seems to mock the notion of portability, this edible item has to face up lest the ingredients ooze out, unlike a paper wrapped burrito that can flop about any which way it likes.  Oh-oh, the concept is showing cracks. Here's a free tip: make a foil cap for the cone. You're welcome.
But let's move on, shall we?

Behold, the wave of the mobile-and-edible future! This is street food made by committee, by designers and venture capitalists: it's gonna be good! Nevermind that a hotpocket has them beat on all sides, nevermind the excess packaging, for you are now in the presence of technology, that unstoppable force that moves us ever closer to a better world and away from our backward tendencies.
No, these ain't your papi's tacos!  With the New Way, you can get portable pizza if you choose, or maybe some Teriyaki Chicken, even Pesto: what can your ancient tacos do, old man? Can they turn into Huevos Rancheros? I didn't think so! 

Time to make peace with the competition, all you traditional foods have suddenly become dated. Let's give this kickass mofo a bite! Crispy-crunch!

Oh. Not that crispy, tastes kinda like a cracker, but less tasty and more chemically. How about another mouth-watering sample?

Hmm. The cone is just the delivery system, right? Cuz them eggs taste pretty funky, almost as if they'd been liquid eggs. I hope liquid eggs microwaved for 3 minutes are not prone to Salmonella. Maybe I'm not taking big enough bites. Let's get it on with a third bite!

Ahem, oh dear, we do seem to have a problem, all the tastebuds are fomenting a revolt, or foaming from revulsion: something displeasurable has come their way! Why do I want to drink water? Am I eating the paper? Are these beans fit for human consumption? Strange, this doesn't taste like Huevos Rancheros, maybe they gave me the wrong cone. But when the eating gets tough, the tough get eating, chew on!

Okay, I'm making an attempt, con ganas, to eat my meal, but suddenly the $2.50 I spent seems negligible, even after my upbringing of  te-lo-comes-todo I'm thinking this is a food habit that needs to end before it starts.  3 other people tasted the cone, none liked it. I tried to finish it, as I was hungry, but nothing doing; this shit is gross,  period. Seems they put all their attention on the concept, design, branding, and packaging but overlooked that little matter of taste. People eat things that taste good. Wacky food ideas are fun to try but not for regular consumption. Don't they teach that in Business 101?
It was suggested by a reasonable person that maybe I chose the worst example to try, that maybe the pizza option would have been a better candidate. That's a good observation but if I wanted pizza there's a Sbarro's next door, so what's the point?

I have to sadly report that I do not recommend eating a crispycone. The crispycone is reprehensible on many levels but mostly for the fact that it turns food, that one human necessity we cannot forego, into a concept divorced from any culture or practice, it becomes merely a package of calories to keep us alive. Though it's really no different than what Taco Bell has done with the idea of Mexican food, at least Taco Bell tries to emulate Mexican food, even if it's an impossible stretch. But the Crispycone people do not even have that in mind, they want to make food, first and foremost, something that fits into a tiny portable package, and then maybe they'll try to make it taste like something you'd eat. They believe in the concept proposed by the movie Soylent Green, that food is just a calorie stick, that as long as you get your ration, and that it sorta resembles real food, all is well with humanity.

 Though we often eat just to sustain ourselves we are still a ways removed from the drudgery of just eating to survive, most of us are still choosing food by taste rather than some formula for life; lets leave that miserable existence to the hippy vegans! :)  Pizza implies messy, stringy cheese and the challenge of getting it all into your mouth, hopefully without too many clothing stains. Huevos Rancheros are all about the crisp, fried tortilla under a perfect fried egg topped with a delicious sauce: the pleasure is in the form, the mess, the process, and the taste.

Since the cone seems to lack any qualities that might make it worthwhile, I decided it needs to take its place in another cone, that cone of forgetting: the dustbin of history. Bye, bye, conesy!
Food, like all other things in our Capitalist world, has become just another commodity, a mere number in the accountants tally.  The representation of food, the untouchable notion of said item, is becoming stronger than the actual, physical specimen. When the concept is stronger than the real, we've moved into a dangerous territory, one from which we will not escape unharmed.

Cone me back to Chanfles.com!