Huevos Rancheros: Urbano Mexican Kitchen

There’s always some new place to try in the greater LA metro area. For good or bad. But it’s usually fun to venture out and see what’s what. This review brings us to Pasadena, right next to the Ralph’s where I can buy those damn food pouches my cat seems to prefer. Might as well get my breakfast taken care of as well.

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100 Year Old Lincoln Heights

100 years ago today, Lincoln Heights got its new and current name. It used to be East Los Angeles. Happy Birthday!

Also, on this very important day, I saw a man giving his pet rooster a bike ride. Lincoln Heights is truly a special place.

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Huevos Rancheros: Plaza Grille

Underneath this ugly building on 5th and Flower is a hidden food court where worker bees can get some lunch. I’ve been here a few times, there are some okay options when you are trapped in the vicinity for your legally required food break. Glad we still have those. Today we opt for some HR’s!

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Huevos Rancheros: Kitchen Mouse

The Huevos Rancheros at Kitchen Mouse are terrible. No fried tortillas, not even dipped in oil, just boringly warmed up. Black beans underneath. An ungodly amount of vegan “cheese”, when regular cheese doesn’t even have a place in HRs, so why bother? Worst of all is their “enchilada sauce” when it should be a ranchero sauce.

If you’ve ever microwaved a frozen Trader Joe’s enchilada dish out of hunger and desperation at work, then you’ll know exactly what this tastes like. It’s that goopy texture of flour and binders, the acrid taste of chile powder instead of chiles, and lots of cumin. It may be a slight nod at the red sauces from the American Southwest, which can be really good when prepared with attention and care, but nope, not here. This tastes like some canned shit people have grown accustomed to consuming, nostalgic flavors from an era when you bought taco shells in a box. Nothing I can truly understand, but hey, some people will eat it. It’s Mexican food for our guero friends.

Even though the eggs were cooked proper and the pepitas were a good touch of texture, the cabbage slaw points to the fact that this dish is an abomination.

In total, this thing is a slog, don’t waste your time.

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Huevos Rancheros: habitat

Saturday morning. Getting up is easy when you don’t have to head to work. Bright and early and ready for that delicious hot coffee you gave up during the week cuz you just needed it too much. Sit at the window watching the birds at the feeder. If only all days could be this joyous. Start searching on yelp for some new huevos rancheros to try. Getting hungrier and hungrier and everything looks like crap. Surely there has to be something out there to try? Leave the house with your significant other to run some errands with still no clue where the hell yer going to eat. Driving up thru Northeast LA and spot a place whose name reminds you of hamster exercise balls but you are game for something new. Throw them dice!

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Sad Lunch Dungeon

Some Nazi clown got placed into an inappropriate position of power today. I’m not going to comment on it cuz the fool is getting enough coverage. Other than exemplifying the fact that democracy doesn’t work, I don’t really care much about that turd and his tumbles around the bowl. On to more important things!

There is this dungeon in El Centro that provides eating options for worker drones. It’s a sad place, maybe something like a prison commissary, but the main distinction being that the work prisoners choose to come here. How fucking sad is that? Very. Yet, here I am. It’s a miserable place in which to consume your semi-nourishing lunch, and still, there’s often no tables for the work prisoners to settle down to eat their meals. Sometimes you buy your expensive lunch, walk it around the place looking for a place to sit, and end up looking like a fool as you explore the caverns of tables only to find out there is no place for your sad ass to sit and eat your sad ass meal. I decided to document this daily misery, as a warning to future generations of what a shitty world we lived in during 2017 and the years around it. Sad lonely people trying to find lonely tables to eat crap food all by themselves! Something has gone terribly wrong. Click on the video above for the shocking truth! I’ll try to parse it out below.

(Uhh, I was eating a burro and chips from a place in this mall. Turn the sound down if you don’t want to hear the biting and chomping that goes with that process.)

0:34 One dude finds a table. Good for him.
0:54 Some other dude gets up to leave. Fine by me.
2:26 New person finds a spot to eat, only vacated about a minute ago.
3:01 Damn, guy seems super pleased with his burrito purchase, even does some weird religious cross thing before he eats it.
3:02 At the same time, some sad sack has to peek in to see there are no tables available. Wot a loser!
3:04 Two seconds after the loser leaves dejectedly, some dude leaves his table open for the next sad eater. Cursed luck! What a miserable world we live in!
3:16 Loser finds a spot, off in the distance.
3:54 Four friends find a spot to have lunch, putting all these solitary eaters to shame for being such anti-social loners. I take another bite of my burro.
4:21 Another loser is Denied!
5:33 Some loser starts inadvertently humming, what a mess.
7:24 Two decide they’ve had enough of this dark lunch dungeon and make a break for it.
8:00 Behind the pillars, a table!
8:37 Guy gets up to split this misery town.
10:00 I stop the camera cuz I am about to go. My dismal lunch is coming to an end!

Props to the burrito guy for using a water cup for his salsa, now that’s a hack worth mentioning.

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